


Means to an End (Not a Love Affair) - Johnlock version -  The Outtake

by Jolie_Black



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Bottom Sherlock Holmes, Crack, First Time, Humor, Johnlock - Freeform, M/M, Screenplay/Script Format, Sherlock Being Sherlock, Sherlock Holmes & John Watson Friendship, Slash, Virgin Sherlock, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-10
Updated: 2014-10-10
Packaged: 2018-02-20 15:24:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2433635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jolie_Black/pseuds/Jolie_Black
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The cut scene from <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/2394131/chapters/5290949">the Johnlock version of „Means to an End (Not a Love Affair)“</a>. Kind of, anyway. </p><p>Rated M for Sherlock being a lot more explicit than even John thinks is appropriate.</p><p>Written on the proverbial crack, eeever so slightly out of character and – as opposed to the original story – not to be taken seriously. Makes very little to no sense if you haven't read the original.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Means to an End (Not a Love Affair) - Johnlock version -  The Outtake

**Author's Note:**

> I can't believe I'm parodying my own work. Sorry it turned silly. Consider it a piece of therapeutic writing. 
> 
> I did mean the original story seriously, I still do, and I don't want to take away from that. I suppose I just had to find a means to climb back out of the gloom and doom before moving on!

_**Baker Street 221b. The living room.** _ _Sherlock and John are sitting next to each other on their sofa in front of The Wall, both facing the camera – and that camera angle never changes throughout the whole scene. Sherlock is in his purple shirt (what else) and John is in his oatmeal jumper (ditto). Sherlock is sitting cross-legged with his computer open on his lap and his chin propped on his folded hands, reading. John, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, has some stapled-together pages in his hands. He, too, is absorbed in his reading. After a moment, John sighs._

JOHN: Gosh, I really was a bit of a twit that day.

SHERLOCK _(muttering):_ Tell me about it.

JOHN: Though in fairness, you weren’t being helpful, either.

_Sherlock shrugs. Neither of them has looked up._

JOHN _(after a moment)_ : I like Mycroft in this.

SHERLOCK _(deadpan):_ I don’t.

JOHN _(deadpan)_ : Fancy that.

_They read. John turns a page._

SHERLOCK _(straightening up and looking at John with a frown):_ Why did you print it out?

JOHN _(with a shrug):_ Better for your eyes.

SHERLOCK _(drily)_ : Just don’t leave it lying around for Mrs Hudson to find.

JOHN: I think it's possible that she wrote it, you know.

SHERLOCK _(immediately):_ No she didn't.

JOHN: Well, who then, genius?

SHERLOCK: Female, yes. Younger though. _(He frowns at the computer screen, wagging his head.)_ I'd say _\- (Rapid fire deduction mode)_ Mid to late thirties, happily married, two young kids, demanding job, bilingual in English and another Germanic language, most probably Dutch or German, indulging in creative writing in a rather pathetic attempt to escape from her settled, uneventful, boring middle-class life. _(Looking straight up at the camera)_ Am I wrong?

_Needless to say, he isn't._

JOHN _(impressed)_ : Wow.

SHERLOCK _(airily):_ Balance of probability, John. They're all like that, more or less.

 _John shrugs and resumes his reading._ _Sherlock, however, seems to have finished. He stretches lazily._

JOHN: There already, are you?

SHERLOCK: Oh, no. Just waiting for you to catch up. You know I read twice as fast as you.

JOHN: You do practically everything twice as fast as I. To my occasional grief.

_Sherlock smirks. John reads on. He turns another page, then straightens up, too, massaging the back of his neck with one hand._

SHERLOCK: Chapter two?

JOHN: Alright.

_Sherlock hits a key on his computer. John returns to his script. They read._

SHERLOCK _(after a moment)_ : Getting a bit angsty now.

JOHN: What? Yeah. You try sitting in Euston station for ninety minutes without developing severe depression.

 _Sherlock snorts._ _They read._

JOHN: Sherlock, were you really going to do that, or were you not?

SHERLOCK: Course I wasn’t. Biding my time. Knew you’d turn up.

_They exchange a look._

JOHN _(drily)_ : Don’t try. It doesn’t wor-k. _(He clicks the „k“ loudly. Sherlock rolls his eyes. John turns another page. They read.)_

JOHN _(pointing at the script)_ : It’s exactly how it was, though.

SHERLOCK: Mmh.

JOHN _(a moment later, looking up in exasperation):_ Oh, _what_ a tease!

SHERLOCK: Why?

JOHN: Because it stops exactly when it gets interesting, doesn’t it? _(Thinking it over)_ Though I suppose the screenplay format doesn’t really lend itself to porn.

SHERLOCK _(in all innocence)_ : How do they make all those porn movies then, without a script?

JOHN: I mean – just think, with stage directions, it’s bound to sound a bit – technical, isn’t it?

SHERLOCK: Erm, John – to be honest, it _was_ a bit technical.

JOHN _(looking hurt):_ I got the impression that you were enjoying yourself.

SHERLOCK: What made you think I did?

JOHN: You were moaning like a girl.

SHERLOCK _(immediately):_ No I wasn’t.

JOHN _(with a smirk):_ How would you know?

SHERLOCK _(pointing across at John while looking at the camera):_ Don’t believe a word he says.

JOHN: They’ll find it very romantic, you know.

SHERLOCK _(rolling his eyes up at the ceiling)_ : It wasn't romantic, John, it was bloody _scary_.

JOHN _(raising his eyebrows and pointing across at Sherlock while looking at the camera):_ Now listen carefully, everyone. He's never admitted that before.

SHERLOCK _(testily)_ : Yeah, alright, you scared me. You scared Sherlock Holmes. Congratulations. Something to tell your grandchildren.

JOHN: _Our_ grandchildren, Sherlock.

SHERLOCK: Oh, shut up.

JOHN _(didactically)_ : But you know, you are Sherlock Holmes. There was no way in hell _you_ were going to have a romantic first time anyway.

_Sherlock gives him a dirty look, closes his computer with a snap and puts it down between them on the sofa._

SHERLOCK: Are we done now?

_John drops his script onto the coffee table in front of him with a flourish and leans back comfortably, crossing his legs._

JOHN: On the contrary. It's our turn now. Or why do you suppose we're here?

SHERLOCK _(irritated):_ I live here.

JOHN _(unfazed, gesturing at the camera):_ Well, go on, tell them.

SHERLOCK: Tell them what?

JOHN: Fill the gap. Tell them what happened, how you felt about it and all.

SHERLOCK: Why me?

JOHN: Because there are about twenty thousand female fans of ours out there who are desperate to hear every last detail.

SHERLOCK: Twenty thousand _female_ fans? Why would a _female_ fan want to hear about two blokes having a good time?

JOHN _(with a shrug)_ : One of nature’s great mysteries, Sherlock. File it with the unsolved cases.

SHERLOCK _(stubbornly):_ Alright, but why _me?_

JOHN: Because your point of view is far more interesting than mine. _I_ knew what was coming, after all.

_Sherlock sits back and crosses his arms, refusing to speak._

JOHN: Go on. Make it technical, if it helps.

SHERLOCK: Well -

JOHN _(encouragingly)_ : Yes?

SHERLOCK _(pointing across at John while looking at the camera, in comic despair)_ : The things he's making me say!

_John smirks. Sherlock turns sideways to face him, bravely trying to ignore the camera._

SHERLOCK _(matter-of-factly, and rather quickly just to get it over)_ : Alright. The first thing I thought was that it actually wasn't happening. However, when all the evidence pointed in the opposite direction, I started wondering where you'd learned it all, because even with six years in the army -

JOHN _(glancing at the camera)_ : Probably want to cut that bit.

SHERLOCK: - anyway, the next thing I tried to figure out was after exactly how many minutes on my elbows and knees my quadriceps femoris would seize up in a massive cramp, and what I'd do if it did. Then the next thing that arrested my attention was how difficult it is with two participants of such dissimilar height and build as you and me to calculate the ideal angle of -

JOHN _(raising his hands in alarm)_ : I think this is getting slightly _too_ technical now.

SHERLOCK _(unfazed): -_ and since I was getting a bit distracted at that point, I realised that there was no way of arriving at the accurate figure in time, which I meant to communicate to you, but when I tried, you just pushed my head down and said -

SHERLOCK and JOHN _(simultaneously):_ „Shut up, Kiddy, you're doing just fine.“

_John tilts his head back and chuckles. Sherlock rolls his eyes again._

JOHN _(making an effort to stop grinning)_ : And then?

SHERLOCK: And then, I think you were right, because at that point things started getting a little... blurry...

JOHN: Oh, elegant.

SHERLOCK _(concluding, with relief)_ : And then I fell asleep.

JOHN: Aw.

SHERLOCK _(turning back towards the camera)_ : Happy now?

JOHN: I'm sure they are. Well done.

SHERLOCK: Thank you.

JOHN: Erm, Sherlock -

_Sherlock turns back towards him. Then, without taking his eyes off John's, he points at the camera with a long outstretched arm._

SHERLOCK _(sternly)_ : Switch it off. _Now._

_And we dutifully fade to black._

 

 

_THE END_

_October 2014_

 


End file.
